…or Diet by Chocolate.
Now that we’re well into another new year, have you become discouraged with your resolution to lose weight? Are you tired of gaining weight even though you have eaten so many carrots that the whites of your eyes have turned orange? Are you fed up with watching your teenage son eat whatever he wants, only to grow an inch taller and lose four pounds?
If so, then I have the diet for you! This is one of the best weight loss programs I’ve ever tried. When I was in college, I managed to lose nine pounds in four weeks using this diet plan.
And you don’t have to pay $19.99 for it, or buy a set of steak knives to get it. I’m going to give it to you absolutely free.
Here’s the menu:
1.) For breakfast, eat a frosted, mint brownie. (While in college, I worked at our local dairy. At 7am the brownies would come in fresh from the bakery; they were impossible to resist.)
2.) For lunch, eat whatever you can scrounge out of the vending machine with whatever quarters you have left in your pockets from doing your laundry. Make sure you keep enough change to buy Peanut M&M’s (also out of the vending machine) for dessert.
3.) For dinner eat Top Ramen, macaroni and cheese, or Rice-a-Roni. (Your choice!)
4.) As a late night snack, eat a big slice of chocolate cake. (My roommate often made chocolate cake from scratch. It was the most scrumptious, mouth-watering chocolate cake ever. (Linda, if you are reading this-I want that recipe!) When I’d get back to our apartment at night, after a long day of work, classes, and studying, I’d have a slice of that chocolate cake.)
I followed this diet plan (almost) every day for four weeks and that is how I managed to lose nine pounds.
“Incredible!” you might say.
“But absolutely true,” I would respond.
“How is it possible?” you might ask.
Well, I’ll tell you.
Chocolate revs up your metabolism. Chocolate makes you happy. Your cells dance with chocolicious giddiness every night, burning calories while you sleep.
On the other hand, lima beans, sprouts, and spinach slow down your metabolism. Your cells think, if this is all I get to eat, I might as well close up shop. They hide behind their walls, refusing to move. Your body screams, I am a person, not a rabbit!
Many experts (my mother) have debunked this diet plan over the years, but I faithfully adhere to it. Of course, I have never, since college, managed to lose another pound while on it (in fact, the opposite has happened); but I refuse to give up.
M&M’s, anyone?
